I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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