I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
