you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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