I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
