does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
