Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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