we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
