Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He did a backflip because drugs
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
