he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
