you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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