Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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