We're facebook friends in real life
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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