Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The adults are the big ones right?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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