if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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