i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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