Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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