She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
