If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
