i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
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