i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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