I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
where are my eyebrows?
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