She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
