just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
