fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
