i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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