Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
