Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize