Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
