I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize