i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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