I smell stomach acid.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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