I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
