He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Randomize
