my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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