Just fell off a train. Bad.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
