so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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