he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
