dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
