dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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