went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
