Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
