I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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