I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
