I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
