I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
