Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
