Do you still have your period?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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