Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
