1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
