I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
