do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize