well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
