don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
