I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
