epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
