I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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