I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
